Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
And all the king’s horses and all the Kings men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
The constant recurring theme in my work with targeted-alienated parents is what I call the “Humpty Dumpty” factor.
How do alienated parents confront the reality that once alienated, their children may never be the same again.
Bringing Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again.
Targeted-alienated parents may work hard over many years to bring the broken pieces of their children together again in the hope of a relationship between them, sometimes when they are adults.
Targeted-alienated parents must nurture the wounded place they hold for their children. Reconnecting with an alienated child is a strategic process that adapts standard ‘good’ parenting in the form of ‘strategic empathy’ to the dynamics of attachment injuries and trauma caused by alienation.
And yet, many targeted-alienated parents with whom I have worked report that their children are different from the way they remember them. Something, some essence of them is missing. Often, there is a degree of wariness by both targeted-alienated parent and the alienated child, especially if the alienated child has made false allegations against the targeted-alienated parent or if the alienated child has taken some adverse action against the parent whom they have rejected.
Humpty Dumpty can be put back together, but Humpty Dumpty is just a lot of broken shards held together, just a distorted and broken image of what it once was. That is how the alienated child looks.
When What is Broken is Broken.
Sometimes no matter what the targeted-alienated parent does there is no possibility of any kind of relationship. Nothing more they do or do not makes any difference. “Letting go” for them is organised around notions of their own integrity and ‘handing back’ choice and responsibility to their children.
These parents recognise that a relationship between them and their children is no longer down to them and that continuing to try may expose them to unintended repercussions from hostile alienating parents and their adult alienated children. Continuing to reach out may even reinforce the process of rejection by alienation. Targeted-alienated parents acknowledge that their errant adult children can only return of their own volition.
When the Reconstructed Humpty Dumpty Becomes a Monster.
And then there are those parents who have worked very hard over the years to form some type of relationship between them and their alienated children. A common context for this situation is the shared care parenting arrangements commonly agreed with alienating parents. Parents with whom I have worked struggle to maintain shared care against the subtle deprecations of an alienating parent. Some favoured-alienating parents simply will not stop and eventually influence their children in their teenage years to degrade both the quality and the quality of contact and relationship progressively and incrementally with a parent from whom they were alienated.
However, no matter how hard alienated parents try, their relationship with their children never moves beyond a certain limit. Their parent-child relationship continues to return to the same fundamental emotional constraints circumscribed by the alienation narrative of unwarranted, irrational rejection.
Sometimes these relationships are harmful to both parties and in fact, normalise a cycle of dysfunctional and damaged relationships driven by the alienation process. An alienated parent may co-opt themselves into supporting this cycle out of desperation for a relationship, any relationship.
It is a type of existential death for alienated parents to realise that their adult alienated children, especially in their 30’s, may well be the person they will remain for the rest of their lives, immune from any beneficent influence from them. “Letting go” is especially poignant for these parents because a limited type of relationship may still be available however much it is a shadow of what might have been possible. Yet, continuing in such a relationship simply confronts targeted- alienated parents with the reality that the only possibility of change now rests with shifting responsibility and choice back to their children, making their children reflect upon their emotional choices to reject them.
And so now we understand the nursery rhyme of Humpty Dumpty. Once broken relationships can never be returned to the pre-broken state. Something new cannot be born until something old dies. And sometimes what is broken is broken, the pieces do not reform into anything we recognise nor into something that has a potential for the future.
Every child goes solo as an adult, there is no other way and as parents, our role is to teach them to fly-the rest is up to them. And if they choose to sit upon a high wall, then all the ‘Kings horses and all the Kings men’ may not save them from their choice-and nor should we.
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Similar Posts:
- Alienated Parents: Reclaim Your Identity, It’s Not For Sale!
- Oh No! The Non-Festive Season: A Protest By Targeted-Alienated Parents
- Should Alienating Parents Be Punished?
- Should I Tell My Alienated Children about Parental Alienation?
- Progress on Research into The Lived Experience of Parental Alienation in a Social Context
This is a sobering piece which explains the conundrum, of what targeted parents want, and what alienated children have capacity for.
All the more reason to fix Humpty Dumpty sooner than later.
Thank you for your insight. This gap is the contested territory of alienation. And yes, it would be best if the wall for Humpty Dumpty to sit on was never created in the first place!
Very well written! captures the sadness and pathos. what’s broken will always be broken. reminded of child abuse (sexual / physical) … kids will never be the same afterwoods and PA robs the child’s innocence in a very similar way
I cried when I found this site. People that don’t understand alienation try to say the right thing and tell you not to give up, don’t ever give up. The child will come around..I get tired of explaining how my life and time is being stolen on such a hopeless pursuit. Every attempt to communicate is like stepping in front of a firing squad. I told my child that nothing will make the perceived problems go away. Can we forgive, apologize and find the love and go from there. She did not reply.. I finally asked what would make it ok.. What do I have to do? ..My child said nothing will make it right. Send me money and get a lobotomy…That for me, was the last act of disrespect,, My child is 25…I told my her that she was not my daughter anymore.This is after 15 years of trying and abuse..I had to finally realize that she was sadistic, condescending, disdainful and enjoyed the pain she was inflicting. I’m am not going to emotionally die again. Thank you for your insights. I don’t know if you have been through the fire but you sound like you have. No one gets to that level without living it.
At some point, some of us confront the reality that alienation has turned our children into someone with whom we can no longer recognise a part of ourselves. The quixotic aspect of the human experience and parenting is the authenticity of humanity at the same time that we are different. Alienated children break that expectation.